Understanding Your Conflict Style: A Key to Stronger Relationships

Conflict is a part of life. Whether it is a disagreement at work, tension with a friend, or a recurring issue with a partner, the question is not if conflict will happen — it is how we will respond when it does.

The way we handle conflict is often referred to as our conflict style. Most of us have a default style shaped by personality, childhood experiences, and past relationships. The good news? Once we become aware of our style, we can make intentional choices that lead to better outcomes.

Let’s look at the five classic conflict styles and what they mean for your relationships.

1. Avoiding

How it looks: Steering clear of disagreements, staying silent, or distracting yourself until the moment passes.

Why we do it: Avoidance can feel safe and keep the peace temporarily.

The cost: Unspoken issues often grow bigger over time, leading to resentment or distance.

2. Accommodating

How it looks: Putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own, often saying, “It’s fine” when it really isn’t.

Why we do it: We value harmony and want to keep the relationship smooth.

The cost: Over time, your own needs go unmet, which can create frustration or burnout.

3. Competing

How it looks: Taking a firm stand, pushing hard for your perspective, or insisting on being “right.”

Why we do it: We want to win or protect our position.

The cost: While this can work in urgent situations, overuse can leave others feeling dismissed or bulldozed.

4. Compromising

How it looks: Meeting halfway, giving up something to gain something, or making quick deals.

Why we do it: It feels fair and often resolves conflict faster.

The cost: Solutions may be shallow, with neither side fully satisfied.

5. Collaborating

How it looks: Openly sharing needs, listening deeply, and brainstorming together for a solution that works for both.

Why we do it: It aims for win-win, valuing both the relationship and the issue at hand.

The cost: It takes time, patience, and a willingness to stay engaged even when it’s uncomfortable.

Why This Matters

Knowing your conflict style helps you recognize when your instincts are serving you — and when they are holding you back.

• If you tend to avoid, ask yourself: What important conversations am I delaying?

• If you often compete, consider: What impact does this have on trust and connection?

• If you accommodate, reflect: Am I honoring my own needs?

 

The goal isn’t to label one style as “good” and another as “bad.” Each has its place. The real power comes from choosing your response instead of reacting on autopilot.

The Growth Opportunity

 

When you step back and understand your default style, you gain freedom. You can pause, notice what is happening inside you, and choose an intentional response that aligns with your values.

Conflict then shifts from being something to fear or avoid into something that can deepen connection, strengthen communication, and fuel personal growth.

Conflict is inevitable. Growth is optional. By learning your conflict style, you give yourself — and your relationships — the chance to thrive.

Quick Quiz: What’s Your Conflict Style?

For each question, choose the option that feels most like you in a typical conflict.

1. When tension rises, my first instinct is to:

A) Change the subject or walk away.

B) Give in so things don’t escalate.

C) Push my point until it’s heard.

D) Find a middle ground quickly.

E) Sit down and talk it out until we both feel good about the outcome.

2. In disagreements, I care most about:

A) Avoiding drama.

B) Keeping the peace.

C) Being right or standing my ground.

D) Finding a fair trade-off.

E) Protecting both the relationship and the issue.

3. If a conflict drags on, I usually feel:

A) Relieved if I can ignore it.

B) Anxious until the other person feels okay.

C) Frustrated that it isn’t resolved my way.

D) Eager to just split the difference and move on.

E) Determined to dig deeper until we reach real understanding.

 4. When someone disagrees with me, I usually:

A) Stay quiet or back down.

B) Let them have their way.

C) Double down on my perspective.

D) Suggest a compromise.

E) Ask questions to understand their side.

5. Looking back, most people would say I tend to:

A) Avoid tough conversations.

B) Be too quick to give in.

C) Be strong-willed or competitive.

D) Be pragmatic and fair.

E) Be thoughtful and collaborative.

Scoring

• Mostly A’s = Avoiding. You would rather sidestep conflict than dive in.

• Mostly B’s = Accommodating. You prioritize harmony, sometimes at your own expense.

• Mostly C’s = Competing. You stand firm but may come across as forceful.

• Mostly D’s = Compromising. You are practical, aiming for quick solutions.

• Mostly E’s = Collaborating. You look for deeper dialogue and win-win outcomes.

👉 No style is “bad.” Each has strengths and drawbacks. The key is noticing your default and choosing when to adapt.

Do not be afraid to reach out for professional help and talk with someone about conflict in your relationships or to improve communication skills. A skilled therapist with Clinical Counseling Associates can help you navigate positive changes while learning more about yourself and deepening connections with others.

By: Lorianne Plummer, LCSW