Healing After Relational Violence

It’s more common than people know - person-to-person violence or relational trauma. Many people avoid discussing violence because it either feels too heavy, too heady, or too dark. But when we turn to our inner bravery, we can transform the trauma of violence into many things that benefit ourselves and others; you may be able to help yourself and others identify the problem and heal. The healing process for trauma like this takes a lot of learning, and feeling, and confronting hard things. It can be triggering information to read, so please take care of yourself while you process the article. It is likely that someone you know closely has been affected by relational violence. This article is dedicated to survivors and victims everywhere.

Domestic Violence (DV), Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), Dating Violence, Family Violence(including child abuse) are all similar and separate ways that people experience trauma from the people close to them. We’ll use “DV” in this article to describe the group of terms. This is a type of trauma that has the power to shape and reshape people’s lives in lots of ways or even cause death; like the way a car accident is always dangerous and possibly life-threatening, and resulting injuries can be mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. All the injuries need different approaches to heal. DV can be a very taboo or shameful topic for some people, and this prevents people from getting the safety and support they need. You can consider this article a step toward recognizing this problem, and understand that further learning, safety planning, and trauma treatment is often needed to recover and heal in the long-term.

We use the terms “Power” and “Control” to describe the different ways that people hurt each other in DV. Attached to this article is a tool called “The Power and Control Wheel” which highlights different ways that DV occurs, including emotional, physical, psychological, legal, and financial ways to control another person. You may notice that even on this very helpful tool, the language used is gendered to portray women as victims and men as perpetrators. While most DV is perpetrated by men to women, there are many different people it happens to, which highlights there’s still work to do with educating even the educators of DV. Also attached is the “Equality Wheel”, which shows examples of a loving, safe relationship. Sometimes in different cultures, DV is only seen as a problem that men do to women and children, often depicted in movies, shows, the news. Sometimes it isn’t seen as a problem at all, just a normal part of life. It’s important to recognize that ANYONE of ANY gender, teens and adults of any age, can engage in various forms of DV, even without realizing it. DV happens to people of all different cultures, in wealth and in poverty. These differences all shape the ways that the violence can occur.

The violence can come in many forms: acts and threats of physical/sexual violence toward a person’s body(the most commonly understood form) including strangulation especially, destruction of personal belongings, abuse of animals/pets, abuse and threats to a person’s loved ones or children, constant criticism and isolation that wear-down a person’s mind and body over time, controlling money/bills/property, using mental tactics to confuse and overwhelm a person, using technology to stalk or abuse, threatening to expose sensitive sexual or personal information, and many more. We can think of DV as the exact opposite of safe, loving, consensual relationships where people share decision-making power and control over their own choices and bodies. It’s VERY important to remember that some of the wounds from DV might be hard to see or invisible, especially if physical violence doesn’t happen at all. Whether it’s physical or non-physical, abuse like this can affect the brain in the ways that war, natural disaster, and major illness can affect a person for life. The healing process after DV looks different from person-to-person.

Identities of each person in DV(victim or perpetrator) shapes the situation. For example, when a woman abuses a man, the gender difference between them often creates a certain challenge for people to understand or accept that maybe a smaller or less physically-imposing person could dominate a larger person - it’s totally possible. If two men in a household abuse each other, their fights may be brushed-off as just hot-headed dudes acting-up. Another way that identity shapes DV is the race or ethnicity of the people involved, as in the case when one partner is white and abusing a partner who is a person of color, or when one person is an American citizen and their alleged victim is born elsewhere or speaks another language primarily. We all need to understand that this is a people problem that exists around the world and affects not just the adults involved, but impacts children, close loved ones, beloved animals, and communities.

When healing from DV, safety must become a top priority for a person’s brain and body to recover. This does not always mean a person needs to leave the situation immediately(or ever), but they do need to identify safe and unsafe situations in their life to manage. They need to have the freedom to make new choices. DV often takes more time than expected to heal, due to being a complex problem, involving legal, psychological, and financial factors. It can take a number of months or years to bring a new balance to someone’s life; if we rush a survivor, a family, or a perpetrator into recovery and change, the change may not be stable or safe enough to last. Seeking a therapist who specializes in trauma and uses trauma-informed care is essential, since they are trained to understand the flow of this type of crisis. Sometimes, a person will need to leave a dangerous situation immediately(seeking safe shelter), and sometimes it is safer to stay until a later time; “leaving” needs to be a careful decision-making process, as it is often when DV is most desperate and dangerous(lethal). Some people leave or attempt to leave as many as 7 times before they are able to get to safety. Whether a person is the identified “victim/survivor” or "perpetrator", change is slow, often like addiction recovery. Relapse and progress can happen at any time, so having the appropriate supports and resources is crucial. Like, you can’t just drop someone off at rehab or jail and expect lasting change to take place. Is change possible for the people who do the violent and controlling things in their relationships? Yes, change to safer behavior is possible but limited; the factors tied to abusive behavior (narcissistic/borderline/antisocial personality traits,entitlement, life-long trauma/complex PTSD, addictions, legal troubles) can create barriers to cooperating in therapy or Batterer Intervention Programs (BIP). Other factors like having good DV-specific training for law enforcement, healthcare workers, therapists, and community members makes a huge difference, variable from county to county, state to state. This can affect whether victims are believed and supported, and whether perpetrators get help or cause more harm. It is HIGHLY discouraged for couples therapy or family therapy to take place at any time with a perpetrator, due to the explosive and reactive nature of DV; each individual involved may need a lot of therapy before any joint therapy sessions can be considered, if ever. Trained professionals can help provide a “lethality assessment” or safety assessment to help determine a person’s risk for death due to DV. It’s important for all of us to treat DV as potentially deadly, because it can change and escalate at any time.

Healing can happen! There is hope! So many people have healed and will continue to heal after DV and can go on to thrive in their lives. Safety and a strong sense of well-being are possible. WIth access to support and safety and education, healing happens all the time. Generally, anyone involved in DV situations is recommended to focus their treatment on trauma processing, where they can learn to identify their hurts, create safety plans, and learn to cope with stress differently than before. The more a person participates in their growth and learning, the more likely they are to heal, whether they identify as a victim or a perpetrator or both. Now that you’ve made it through the content, please take a few deep breaths, and remember to take good care of yourself to process and relax.

Check out the list of points below for common things that people can keep in-mind with DV so you can more effectively handle this issue when it shows-up.

● Learning about DV:

○ Power and Control Wheel (attached) (gender-focused for men and women)

○ Equality Wheel (attached)

○ Local Resources

■ Safehome (Johnson County, KS)

(Spanish and Other Language interpretation available)

24/7 Crisis and Resource Line 913-262-2868

■ Rose Brooks Center (Jackson County, MO)

(Spanish and Other Language interpretation available)

24/7 Crisis and Resource Line 816-861-6100

● Crisis Resources

○ Call 911 when you or someone else is in-danger

○ CIT Officers - request officers with special crisis training to assist with a police call when you dial 911 or non-emergency numbers

○ National Domestic Violence Hotline

Anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now

○ Deaf LEAD - for Deaf, Hard of Hearing, Late-Deafened, and DeafBlind individuals provide an array of services, including crisis intervention, safety planning, mental health support services, advocacy, case management, and much more.

Voice Phone: (573)445-5005

Video Phone: (573)303-5604

○ 988 Chat/Text

Dial/text “988” for free and confidential service of the 988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline. Chat and Text are available 24/7 across the United States.

○ DCF(Department for Children and Families) in Kansas

For reporting violence or abuse/neglect to children, people with disabilities, 65+ adults 1-800-922-5330 Kansas Relay Center can facilitate communication with Kansans that have hearing and/or speech disabilities by calling 1-800-922-5330

○ The Children’s Division in Missouri

For reporting Child abuse/neglect

1-800-392-3738

○ Animal abuse

Contact 911 for active abuse of animal-related(threats or violence), or contact non- emergency police numbers for suspected animal cruelty. (animal cruelty is often a link to various forms of abuse of people and high-risk of death by violence)

By Andrew Frosch, LSCSW, LCSW