Coping on Motherless Mother’s Days

Mother’s Day was created to recognize mothers, motherhood, and their contributions to their families. This day is supposed to be a joyous time spent with your mother and/or children. Unfortunately, the world seems to forget this is not a joyous time for those without mothers or children. Holidays in general can trigger feelings of grief, create stress, and cause people to feel lonely. Mother’s Day is not an exception.

In the United States, Mother’s Day is celebrated on the second Sunday in May. It is widely publicized on television and social media. For many, they dread this Sunday every May. Even if you try to not think about it or feel like you are coping just fine... Boom there it is, another damn commercial or person talking about their plans that day. You see smiling faces and hear expectations of how this day should be spent. However, many of us experience this holiday as motherless. This can be due to your mother passing away, never knowing your mother, estrangement, mothers who are incapable of mothering, or even those who never had children of their own. While this holiday can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, there are ways to make the best of it in all circumstances.

Mother Passing Away

              Grief is hard. It does not matter how old you are or how many years you had with your mother before she passed. The world feels different when someone we love is no longer here on earth. Even if you are no longer grieving this loss, Mother’s Day can trigger emotions and cause grief to resurface. This is a normal part of the grieving process.

Never Knowing Your Mother

              This applies to those who have no memory of their biological mother. This can be due to adoption, abandonment, or death. You may experience grief on this day or find yourself wondering what it would be like if your mother was in your life. This can leave a void for many and bring up emotions related to this missing piece and sense of identity.

Being Estranged from Your Mother

              Estrangement is a lot like grief. The only difference is this person is still alive somewhere in the world. At times, this may be harder than the alternative depending on the circumstances. For those who made the decision to cutoff contact with their mother, remember there is a reason for this choice! For those whose mother cutoff contact, this can be very difficult especially if the feeling was not mutual and there is still a desire to repair this relationship.

Mothers Not Capable of Mothering

              There are many reasons a mother is incapable of mothering. This may range from mental health struggles, substance abuse, trauma history, neglectful behavior, abuse, or other factors. No matter the circumstance, when mothers are emotionally or physically unavailable to care and nurture their child, it is hard. You may wonder, what is wrong with me or keep hope alive that things will change before the next Mother’s Day.

Not Having a Good Relationship with Your Mother

              Just because you have a mother, does not mean it is a good relationship. Often, those who are supposed to care for us the most can cause the most emotional pain. If spending time with this person is not enjoyable, set boundaries or recognize you do not have to engage with your mother if it is harmful.

Not Having Children of Your Own

Being childless can be difficult for some, especially if you wanted children and were not able to fulfill that dream. The term “childless” is a term I cannot get behind. Adding the word “less” creates negative association and sounds like there is something wrong with not having a child. I prefer the term “childfree.” While this may always be difficult, do your best to manage and see any positives. Those without children get to experience the world differently. You can go do whatever you want, save money, focus on your career, and invest more time in other relationships with family, partners, and even a pet. If you are still trying to have children with difficulty, adoption or working with a fertility specialist may be worth considering. 

If You Still Have Your Mother

              If you have a mother and the relationship is positive, then Mother’s Day is hopefully enjoyable for you. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I encourage you to be mindful of those who do not have a mother in their life. If you know someone who may struggle on this holiday, reach out and offer your time or support.

Suggestions for Coping on this Day

• Plan ahead

• Avoid triggers

• Set boundaries

• Use your coping skills.

• Honor & celebrate mothers who passed away by setting out a photo, sharing a favorite memory, telling a funny story, preparing their favorite meal, watch a favorite television show or movie, visit the gravesite, say a prayer, plant a tree, or write a letter to your loved one.

• Spend time with a positive maternal influence. This can be someone who provides emotional support and nurturing care. This can be a father, grandparent, aunt, older sibling, friend’s parent, teacher, or other influence.

• Spend time with a partner, family, friends, pet, or have a me day.

• Create a new tradition.

• Embrace your emotions and seek support from loved ones.

• Seek support from a mental health professional.

No matter what your circumstance is on Mother’s Day, try to make the best of the day and apply some of the coping skills listed above. Technically it is just another day, and you can spend it how you choose. Try to do something for you because no matter how this topic shows up in your life, you are surviving!

By: Sheena Kirkendoll

       LSCSW, LCAC, LCSW, CRAADC, SAP, SEP