What is to be done when a family experiences conflict that results in estrangement, loss of connection, or a breakdown of traditions or shared values? Changes in family structure and familial relationships can be very distressing. Sometimes these changes occur gradually over time, or sometimes it seems these changes happen relatively quickly. Regardless of how a family becomes fragmented, it is often an incredibly painful experience for the members involved. Families can become fractured for many reasons, but it is often related to a history of abuse, whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Other reasons may include stark value differences, divorce, death, or mental health and substance use challenges. However it happens, dealing with the fallout can be distressing, shocking, and confusing. This article can provide some helpful tips for coping with the breakdown of a family unit, whether you are involved in the situation or more of an observer to the changes that are occurring.
Work towards a firm understanding of what you can and cannot control.
Focus on what you can control, instead of what you cannot. You may or may not agree with what is happening within the family. Regardless, you can control how you respond to others, what information you share with others, and how you behave towards other family members. On the other hand, you cannot control how others communicate or behave. Focus on your own values and how those values can guide your thoughts and behaviors.
Find a safe and supportive person to lean on.
Everyone needs support. Sometimes the person who we would typically go to for support is now involved in the problem somehow and we can no longer utilize them for the same support. Try to find a trusted friend or a different family member that is removed from the conflict to confide in and/or to bring to family events as a buffer. You may decide to reach out for mental health support from a therapist or a medication provider. If you feel that the family conflict is impacting your ability to take care of yourself, go to work, or get along with others, you may consider seeking professional support.
Practice self-care and healthy boundaries with yourself.
Conversations or gatherings that were once carefree or enjoyable may now feel different or more stressful than in times past. Consider limiting the amount of time you spend discussing family issues. Make an effort to have positive conversations with family members you have a healthy relationship with. Additionally, you may set limits for how long you will stay at gatherings or how involved you will be in family issues or events. Practice using the phrase “I need to do what is best for me right now.”
Find new, positive traditions to replace traditions that are lost or are no longer working.
When family relationships change, it can impact longstanding traditions, which can be distressing. Traditions bond generations and provide a sense of security and comfort. When traditions change, taper off, or abruptly halt, find new ways to celebrate and healthier ways to come together. Some options include spending more one-on-one time with a family member rather than in a large group or trying alternating locations where gatherings happen. Allow the traditions to work for you, rather than working for the tradition.
Understand that family dynamics will change.
Family systems are complex because every individual has their own experiences, thoughts, feelings, personalities, and values. Changes that occur in the family unit are likely to impact everyone differently. Prioritize the relationships that you have with others, rather than the relationships others have with one another. It is usually best to refrain from being the messenger between other family members. Allow other adult family members to communicate directly with one another, rather than trying to be the facilitator of that communication.
Accepting change and growth as a part of life.
Remember that change is always happening, whether we realize it or not. As the world and families evolve, relationships will change. Radical acceptance tells us that even if we do not agree or like the changes, it is easier to accept them than to fight what we have no control over. Often, when family systems fracture, there is also room for repair and reconciliation. This reconciliation is likely to come when we can take responsibility for our role in the conflict and use it as an opportunity to deepen and strengthen the relationships we find worth holding onto.
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